Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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