My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
