i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
