I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
