pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
