You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
