My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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