I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
