Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
