Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
