Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
