Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
