My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
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I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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