I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
