i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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