We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
