just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
