I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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