I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
