drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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