ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
