My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
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I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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