is your mom at the bar?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She's the barista slut.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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