i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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