I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
