you mean i was at the winter classic?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I didn't notice because vodka
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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