i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
