so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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