Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
