Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
