I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
