new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
