your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i wish my penis had a tongue
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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