Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
