I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
