I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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