I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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