What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
