Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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