you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
this beer tastes like vomit already
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
