if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.