Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.

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(203): No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket. http://tfl.nu/3z5u

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(847): View more from Illinois

this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

whatever it's not my family

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(847): this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment. (1-847): whatever it's not my family http://tfl.nu/qbfh

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf

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(847): View more from Illinois

no one should ever give us hovercrafts

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(847): no one should ever give us hovercrafts http://tfl.nu/uqn3

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(812): View more from Indiana

The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

(317): View more from Indiana

Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

(812): View more from Indiana

Ah, my reputation precedes me.

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(812): The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me. (317): Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around. (812): Ah, my reputation precedes me. http://tfl.nu/vl1p

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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(403): Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person. http://tfl.nu/qpdl

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(651): I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening. http://tfl.nu/p9mo

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

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(306): I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park. http://tfl.nu/fvsb

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.

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(704): Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch. http://tfl.nu/j8q7

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(360): View more from Washington

What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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(360): What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is. http://tfl.nu/1m0s

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.

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(403): You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck. http://tfl.nu/6fxi

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.

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(937): I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus. http://tfl.nu/cdmo

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.

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(402): I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off. http://tfl.nu/dyhi

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

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(443): Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please. (1-443): That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude. http://tfl.nu/3mvf

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