so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
