I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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