I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize