i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
