Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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