Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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