I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
honey bunches of taint.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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