Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
