Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
