found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
