I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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