hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
