Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
